How to write a novel while working a full-time job (literally)

Step 1. Get used to the idea of writing at said full-time job under the guise of doing something else — e.g., sending an important “work-related” email. Look really busy and important while performing this task, and you’re well on your way toward becoming a lot more selfish…ly productive!

Step 2. Develop a solid foundation of hatred for your boss. This was super easy for me to seal the deal at the time I was writing The Edumacation of Jay Baker, but others with non-psycho supervisors who don’t write down everything they’ve done wrong on a dry-erase board may struggle. I encourage you to push through the nice things your boss has done for you, though, and find the big ball of hate at the pit of your stomach – you know it’s in there, and it’s the only way you can write on your boss’s watch (100% guilt-free!). Be sure to leave at 5:00 on the dot, too. My old boss always appreciated how punctual I was about powering off my computer at 4:59. Really strengthened the noose of our mutually not-beneficial relationship.

Step 3. Give up on the idea of being good at your day job because 1) no one cares and 2) it’s not your lifelong dream career, anyway. Oops, it is? In that case, why are you reading this blog, dawg?

Step 4. Whatever (and whomever) you do, don’t have children. This is one advice dropping that pretty much applies to everything. Why? Because children make everything worse, not better, silly. Yours probably aren’t even going to like you. Golden Retrievers are much more suitable to a writer’s lifestyle; plus, let’s be honest, they’re a lot more fun to talk to (not to mention the tops of their heads are softer). If you already have children, I’m sorry, I can’t help you. Next!

Step 5. Get one of those “work from home” jobs where everyone pretends you’re actually working when you’re most definitely watching TV all day. You know that annoying friend who’s always talking about how he/she can “work from home” whenever they want to? Swallow your pride and hand that $*%#-head your resume. Do it!

Step 6. I’m pretty sure you’re legally entitled to a two-hour lunch break. Boy, are you hungry. Every day, from 11-1:15-ish. Oh, and don’t forget to make all your fake doctor’s appointments!

Step 7. Cut out all social media unless you’re doing “characters who make bad decisions and have poor time management skills” research. You may actually possess those characteristics yourself, believe it or not, which would make researching them unnecessary.

--Jay Clark

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